Mourning the Age Gap

*I wrote this post in the summer of 2013 when I was in the thick of trying to get pregnant with my youngest son and we were approaching the 2-year mark. I was processing my feelings and writing them for a parenting blog I ran at the time. Since that blog no longer exists, I wanted to save many posts I’d written because writing them back then served as great therapy for me. This is one of them.

A couple of months after my son turned two, I was ready to get back on the baby-making train. We got pregnant with TJ very easily, so I had faith that it would happen for us again within a few months. Little did I know that the universe had other plans for us.

I’m the oldest of four kids, all born about two years apart. Sure, we had our fights when we were young; sharing bedrooms will do that to any siblings. But we were all pretty close and I think we had a pretty rad childhood.

Cut to now, we’re all in our late 20s and 30s and living pretty far apart from each other, yet we are emotionally closer than we have ever been. We constantly support each other the best we can, given our distance.

Even before my son was born, I wanted my kids to be around the same age gap as I am to my siblings. The quantity of children was undecided but I knew I wanted them to be two to three years apart. I felt that the closeness I share with my siblings was due in part to our closeness in age.

Do siblings who are further apart in age still have fantastic relationships? Sure! I just use my own childhood as reference.

We’ve been trying for almost two years to conceive a sibling for TJ. The age gap that I thought I wanted, that I thought was perfect, is now gone. If I were to get pregnant right now, my kids would be more than four years apart. And I have no idea how much bigger that gap is going to get…. whether we conceive a child of our own or look to adoption.

More than 4 years apart and they likely won’t be in high school at the same time, looking out for each other like I did with my brother. They may not like the same generation of kids’ toys and music. Heck, I don’t even know if I will be able to use the same car seats before they expire.

A few months ago, I literally had to mourn the childhood I thought my son was going to have with any siblings… hoping it would be just like mine. I know it’s a silly notion, but the pain I felt was real.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was really down about it for a while. One could argue that I have no right to feel so down about my “unexplained infertility” since I have been able to have one amazing little boy when so many women are still struggling to have their first child.

To some extent, that’s true. I feel incredibly blessed to have my son.

But you know what? I’m not done yet. My family isn’t done yet. I know it’s selfish, but I want to experience pregnancy again (even the crappy parts). I want to experience childbirth again. I even want to go through the newborn phase again, no matter how much I will think back to this very moment and say, “what was I thinking?”

As time heals everything, the pain of not having my children when I wanted has lessened. As TJ grows more independent and communicates more effectively, I am seeing more and more how he is going to make an amazing big brother some day. I hope he will be able to cope with the big change that comes when a new baby joins a family; a change that probably would have been much harder on him when he was just two or even three.

Does my heart ache when TJ asks me for a baby brother or baby sister? Hell yes. I still fight back tears when he tells me, “Mommy, try harder.”

But I feel more and more at ease with the fact that the universe will choose the right time, not me.

10 Fun Facts About Me

Happy New Year!! I have lots of fun things planned for 2022 in my little world of painting and drawing, and I cannot wait to see how they evolve in the coming months.

My oldest son is 12 and he has aspirations to be a YouTube content creator someday… like many kids his age. He occasionally watches videos that give advice on social media marketing and asked me if I’d ever written a “Fun Facts” post. I haven’t, but figured I’d start the new year with a blog post and see how many I could come up with.

So here goes…

1. My son and I both tested for a Kukkiwon 1st degree black belt in taekwondo in October of 2021 and we both PASSED! It was really, really hard; both physically and mentally, but I’m so proud of both of us. I wrote much longer posts about my taekwondo journey and the test itself that you can read if you’re interested. We’ll get our black belts and certificates some time in early 2022 since they come from Korea.

2. I never developed a taste for coffee; not even coffee ice cream, and it took me until my 40s before I could enjoy a Frappuccino without cringing at the coffee flavor that most don’t even notice. I do enjoy a Frappuccino now and then and actually like the tiny coffee flavor now, so I wonder if I will eventually like coffee?

3. I hate roller coasters. They are not fun or exhilarating for me and I hate the feeling of falling or being dizzy. I will never skydive or bungee jump willingly. I even get a little anxiety when I fly if there’s any turbulence, but I love to travel, so I don’t let it stop me from exploring when I can.

4. I took the class to become a soccer referee when I was 15 in an effort to earn a little money and maybe give me an edge as a player. I ended up being pretty good at it and the year I turned 17, I earned the title of Region IV Youth Referee of the Year; one of the top 4 female referees in the US under age 24. I got to travel to some big tournaments as a result; including the US Youth Soccer National Championships as a guest. I got to referee games with FIFA referees Brian Hall and Kari Seitz. Two years later, my brother earned the same honor and went a step further being chosen as National Youth Referee of the Year.

5. I spent 30+ years hating avocados; gross texture and flavor. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my youngest in 2014 that I started to like them and now I love them. Weird!

Goofy camp counselors. Made some amazing friends.

6. When I was 18, I had a job at a Girl Scout camp where I lived there all summer curating the arts & crafts program. My camp name was Batty; named after the cartoon bat from the movie Fern Gully. I have no recollection why I chose that name. I do remembering thinking bats were cool (still do) and maybe I couldn’t think of any other camp name, so it stuck. I had so much fun at that job that I dream of getting to do it again someday.... even though I would be 15-25 years older than ALL of the other staff members and the pay is pretty terrible. I even remember the words to most of the Girl Scout songs I learned growing up.

7. My maiden name is Tebow and my family is supposedly, distantly, related to the NFL player with the same last name. Not sure how we’re related, but his fame helped the rest of the country learn how to say Tebow correctly.

8. My husband and I dated for almost 10 years before we got married and it was mostly due to economics. When we both were in college, rent was already getting crazy in the San Francisco Bay Area, so we both stayed living at home well into our 20s. Neither of us wanted to spend a bunch on rent and have it keep us from being able to buy a house. Also, in 2001 we had 6 weddings to either attend or be part of, so we were OVER weddings for a long time. We finally got married in the fall of 2007.

Selfie in Lake Tahoe BEFORE there was even a word for a selfie… with a regular camera too!!

9. I am mostly left-handed, but ambidextrous with my feet; which comes in handy when playing soccer and in martial arts. I write, draw, paint, and eat with my left hand, but I brush my teeth and use scissors with only my right hand. I use tools like a screwdriver or hammer with both hands. I have never met anyone who has similar ambidextrous quirks.

10. I am a recipient of the Girl Scout Gold Award; the highest award someone can get in Girl Scouting as a youth. It’s the equivalent of the Eagle in Boy Scouting. My Gold Award Project involved painting a few murals in the hallways of my high school and polling the student body on whether they thought it could prevent vandalism and graffiti. I am also a Lifetime Member. These photos here show two of the first small wall paintings I did in the hallways of my high school. On the left I painted my friend Jamila and just across that hallway, she painted me. Then I did a version of Picasso’s Three Musicians. For my Gold Award Project I painted a really large piece of masonite (maybe 4x6 feet? I can’t remember) that ended up being hung in the main office. It had an earth in the middle and a bunch of faces of teenagers of different ethnicities around it. I'm kinda bummed I don’t have a photo of it finished… but also not that sad, because I’ve always been a better landscape painter, ha!

If you know me, were any of these new info to you??

Black Belt Testing - The Aftermath

My oldest son and I participated in a 2-day test at our taekwondo studio a little less than two weeks ago, hoping to earn our Kukkiwon 1st degree black belts. He’s been a student since he was three and a half, so that’s eight years of training for him. I started attending class about three and a half years ago with zero intention of doing anything but enjoy the workouts. The last of my bruises are healing that I’m not sure how I got and my muscles are finally not screaming at me when I roll out of bed in the morning. There’s still some fatigue that catches me off guard though. My friend Rachel, who tested with us, said it was the equivalent of running a marathon, so it’ll take more than a week to fully recover. I think she’s right!

I wanted to write out a rundown of what our test consisted of for anyone who’s curious; since we spent the better part of 2021 preparing for it. We were attending classes five to six times a week and training on our own in between. There were nine of us testing total and a bunch of us would get together on a regular basis to train and help each other out where needed. There was one other mom testing with me, Rachel, and one other 20-something adult who didn’t train with us. The rest were comprised of kids ages 11 to 15, two of whom were our own sons.

It was truly a team effort.

Yes, I created this poster. I do most of the graphic design for our studio. ;-)

So, what went into this test?

Back in the spring, we had to submit a “Black Belt Letter of Intent;” essentially a one-page essay explaining “why I want to be a black belt.” Then we had the rest of the summer to compose a five-page essay documenting our black belt journey; including mention of each of the five tenets of taekwondo (integrity, courtesy, self-control, perseverance, and indomitable spirit). The last essay required was one-page with our plans and goals for beyond the black belt test.

Throughout the year, we were required to assist in teaching taekwondo classes for 80 hours and also complete 20 hours of community service.

For candidates under age 18, they needed to get a letter of recommendation from a teacher and from their parents. My brother-in-law, who has a black belt in jiujitsu, wrote letters for both my son and me. While he may not know much about taekwondo, he understands the work and pride that goes into earning a black belt. I technically didn’t need a letter of recommendation, but his words totally made me cry. My son also got a letter from his 5th grade teacher since his current 6th grade teachers don’t really know him very well yet.

All of our essays, service hour sheets, and letters had to be printed and organized in a binder so our masters could read everything easily. These were due the 1st of October.

Lastly, we all had to compose a one-minute video documenting our black belt journey and it had to include voice over. I got some help honing my Adobe Premiere Pro skills from one of our awesome instructors, Jessa, when making both my video and my kid’s. Having to narrow down eight years of memories into a 90-second video was really, really hard!

Jessa is a film student and made a short documentary about Rachel and me a few months ago. I don’t know if she’s planning to add to it now that our test is over, but maybe??

Here’s a rundown of what our test consisted of:

Friday was all about pushing us past our limits physically. We had a long series of exercises where we completed as many reps as we could in the time limit. There was maybe a minute in between each exercise. For the times we alternated with a partner, we got a slightly longer break. All kicks had to be either belt level (on the bags), or shoulder level (on handheld targets).

My husband and my sister cheering us on!

Physical Test, Friday, 6:30-8:45pm:

• 5 minutes of jumping jacks (no stopping)

• 2 minutes of hand-release pushups (chest all the way to the floor, hands pop up)

• 2 minutes of sit-ups

• 2 minutes of burpees

• 2 minutes of air squats

• 2 minutes of v-ups (Google it, they suck)

• 2 minutes of flutter kicks

• 2 minutes of jumping squats

• 1 minute jumping front snap kicks on a target (alternating legs)

• 1 minute axe kicks

• 1 minute spinning hook kicks (right leg)

• 1 minute spinning hook kicks (left leg)

2 minute water break

• 1 minute roundhouse kicks

• 1 minute tornado kicks

• 1 minute jumping back kicks

• 1 minute butterfly kicks

• 1 minute repeat butterfly kicks with higher number of reps

• 1 minute butterfly burpees (drop into a burpee, pushup, then two roundhouse kicks on the bag)

• 1 minute mountain climbers, short sprint, 10 butterfly kicks (this one almost made me throw up)

1 minute water break

• kicking combinations 1-10 on targets in under 2 minutes

• speed Poomsae, Taeguek 1-8 in 2 minutes (hilarious to watch, we all looked awful)

My kiddo toughing it out!

Saturday was all about the technical side of the sport. We had to show how well we know all ten punching combinations, ten kicking combinations, four weapons forms, Taegeuk 1-8 Poomsae, and Koryo (1st Dan Black Belt Poomsae). Poomsae are choreographed sets of strikes, blocks, and kicks that mimic an attack and are performed with precision and power. Kind of like Tai-chi, but faster and more powerful. We also had to demonstrate four different weapons forms. Thankfully these weren’t about speed, all of these had to be demonstrated with power AND synchronously with the group. This was my strongest skill, but it was NOT an easy thing to teach the young teens!

Then we all donned our sparring gear and had to demonstrate an application of one Taeguek form with sparring gear and full contact.

Next up was sparring and then self-defense. Sparring is pretty straightforward. Self-defense, not so much. It’s essentially you versus three attackers for two minutes and very few rules. The goal is to keep fighting and to survive. We obviously aren’t aiming to knock someone out, or actually break knees, but we are expected to shove, punch, and kick. There are kicks to the groin, throws, and lots of yelling.

The last part was board breaking. We all had to create a routine with eight boards and demonstrate our skills at both setting up board holders and executing the breaks in one shot. In between each of these routines, we all watched each other’s black belt journey videos.

My sister surprised me by flying from LA to join us for the 5k and cheer us on during testing.

Saturday morning, 8am start

• 5k run in under 45 minutes

• 1 hour written test on taekwondo history and theory

break for lunch

Technical Test, Saturday, 1:30pm start

• Punching combinations 1-10, both sides in sync

• Kicking combinations 1-10, both sides, in sync

• Poomsae, Taegeuk 1-8 (color belt forms) in sync

• Poomsae, Koryo in sync

• Individual Poomsae, Koryo and 2 mystery forms

• Bo staff form in sync

• Nunchucks form in sync

• Kamas form in sync

• Eskrima form in sync

4 minute break for water and to put on sparring gear

• Application of Poomsae, Taegeuk of choice with full contact

• Tag-team sparring, 20 minutes total, multiple rounds

• 1-minute sparring rounds, x2 per candidate

• Self-defense, 1 vs 3 for 2 minutes, full contact

2 minute break to remove sparring gear

• board breaking, 2 speed foot breaks, 2 speed hand breaks, 3 power foot breaks, 1 power hand break (power vs speed is determined by how the board is held)

• inspirational videos in between each person board breaking

My favorite parts were Application of Poomsae and the 5k (even though I still don’t love running). The weather was chilly, but we managed to avoid the rain that came later, and the fall foliage was incredible. Application of Poomsae was fun. It shows how well we really know and understand the forms and it was fun to add drama to our kicks and punches.

Surprisingly, I kind of enjoyed the tag-team sparring too. Sparring, as a whole, is really hard and scary for me. I am constantly afraid of twisting a knee or rolling an ankle, all while trying to avoid getting kicked in the head. The tag-team format was really fun and fast-paced with everyone swapping in and out pretty quickly. It let us all see each other spar and I was surprised that I enjoyed it. I may have audibly whimpered when one of our masters ended it with, “that was a great sparring warmup, now let’s do some do real sparring.”

My least favorite parts were pretty much all of Friday and self-defense. Friday was really hard for me. I experienced dizziness and nausea at a few points and was proud that I didn’t actually throw up. It pushed me to the very end of my stamina and endurance… and then pushed some more. I was also really, really nervous, so that made it hard for me to calm down and actually rest in between exercises.

In my self-defense exercise, I was terrified of falling down. The sparring chestguard (hogu) is quite long on my torso, and I knew that if I fell down, it would be tough for me to get back up again. Then, one of my attackers got overzealous with a padded bat and was whipping my head as hard as he could repeatedly. At one point I shouted “what the fuck?!” and I heard one of our masters ask him to stop with the bat. In a real-life scenario, if that had been a real bat, I would’ve died after the first blow. He was hitting that hard. He was also hitting me from behind while I fended off a different attacker and, while it didn’t hurt physically, it made me incredibly angry because it was not applicable to the exercise. I haven’t been that furious in a very long time and it took me a few minutes to get my emotions in check after my two minutes were up. I did NOT want to cry in front of that guy. In the end, I managed to stay on my feet the whole time and that was a victory for me.

I was so disappointed in my board breaking. I didn’t break all of the boards on the first try and only one of them was because my board holder didn’t do a good job. I think my brain and my body were just FRIED by that point. I really should’ve practiced the breaks more often than I did and requested to practice with real boards.

Now we wait. Any day now, our masters will reach out to set up times to meet with us one-on-one to go over our results. I have been reassured that testing is based on individual skill, fitness, and training, not comparing one candidate to another. But it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others and I can’t help but wonder where I may have fallen short.

For the last couple of weeks, it’s been tough to settle my mind now that the test is over. I haven’t been able to sleep well these past few weeks. I remember a little part of the test and go over and over how I could’ve done it better or even just differently. What did we miss in training that we should’ve practiced more? I’m very confident in a few areas, others I’m just not sure.

Either way, I’m super proud of all of us. My kiddo kicked butt and worked hard throughout and I’m proud of myself for sticking with this and not quitting when it got hard. My husband wrote a long post on Facebook just before our test and this line rang so true for me, “Her body has tried to shut this down many times, but her mind has managed to overcome every hurdle thus far.” #IceAndIbuprofenFTW