Mourning the Age Gap

*I wrote this post in the summer of 2013 when I was in the thick of trying to get pregnant with my youngest son and we were approaching the 2-year mark. I was processing my feelings and writing them for a parenting blog I ran at the time. Since that blog no longer exists, I wanted to save many posts I’d written because writing them back then served as great therapy for me. This is one of them.

A couple of months after my son turned two, I was ready to get back on the baby-making train. We got pregnant with TJ very easily, so I had faith that it would happen for us again within a few months. Little did I know that the universe had other plans for us.

I’m the oldest of four kids, all born about two years apart. Sure, we had our fights when we were young; sharing bedrooms will do that to any siblings. But we were all pretty close and I think we had a pretty rad childhood.

Cut to now, we’re all in our late 20s and 30s and living pretty far apart from each other, yet we are emotionally closer than we have ever been. We constantly support each other the best we can, given our distance.

Even before my son was born, I wanted my kids to be around the same age gap as I am to my siblings. The quantity of children was undecided but I knew I wanted them to be two to three years apart. I felt that the closeness I share with my siblings was due in part to our closeness in age.

Do siblings who are further apart in age still have fantastic relationships? Sure! I just use my own childhood as reference.

We’ve been trying for almost two years to conceive a sibling for TJ. The age gap that I thought I wanted, that I thought was perfect, is now gone. If I were to get pregnant right now, my kids would be more than four years apart. And I have no idea how much bigger that gap is going to get…. whether we conceive a child of our own or look to adoption.

More than 4 years apart and they likely won’t be in high school at the same time, looking out for each other like I did with my brother. They may not like the same generation of kids’ toys and music. Heck, I don’t even know if I will be able to use the same car seats before they expire.

A few months ago, I literally had to mourn the childhood I thought my son was going to have with any siblings… hoping it would be just like mine. I know it’s a silly notion, but the pain I felt was real.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was really down about it for a while. One could argue that I have no right to feel so down about my “unexplained infertility” since I have been able to have one amazing little boy when so many women are still struggling to have their first child.

To some extent, that’s true. I feel incredibly blessed to have my son.

But you know what? I’m not done yet. My family isn’t done yet. I know it’s selfish, but I want to experience pregnancy again (even the crappy parts). I want to experience childbirth again. I even want to go through the newborn phase again, no matter how much I will think back to this very moment and say, “what was I thinking?”

As time heals everything, the pain of not having my children when I wanted has lessened. As TJ grows more independent and communicates more effectively, I am seeing more and more how he is going to make an amazing big brother some day. I hope he will be able to cope with the big change that comes when a new baby joins a family; a change that probably would have been much harder on him when he was just two or even three.

Does my heart ache when TJ asks me for a baby brother or baby sister? Hell yes. I still fight back tears when he tells me, “Mommy, try harder.”

But I feel more and more at ease with the fact that the universe will choose the right time, not me.

10 Ways to Support a Friend Dealing with Infertility

*I wrote this post in the summer of 2013 when I was in the thick of trying to get pregnant with my youngest son. I was processing my feelings and writing them for a parenting blog I ran at the time. Since that blog no longer exists, I had a bunch of posts that I wanted to save because the writing I did back then served as great therapy for me at the time. This is one of them.

No matter how long it takes a couple to conceive a child, if it doesn’t happen by surprise or within a couple of months, doubt starts to creep in. And let me tell you, having to actually try to get pregnant can really suck. It doesn’t matter if it takes four months or four years; the uncertainty, frustration, doubt, and self-loathing can eat away at you.

As uterus-owners, we automatically wonder if there’s something wrong with our bodies. Everywhere we look we see pregnant folks and new babies where we didn’t notice them before.

What’s a person to do when their friend or family member is dealing with infertility? How can you support them without sticking your foot in your mouth? It’s often a subject that is difficult to talk about when one isn’t necessarily educated on the subject. It’s so easy to say the wrong thing and cause some very hurt feelings.

1. If you aren’t sure if your friend wants to talk about their infertility woes, ASK THEM. For me personally, I didn’t mind talking about it and I didn’t mind if a friend brought up the subject of my infertility. Talking about it helped vent frustrations. But I rarely brought it up because I got a distinct vibe of “uncomfortableness” from friends and family when I did. This often leads to someone feeling like they’re going through it alone.

2. Listen and let them know you care. Just be empathetic, “I am so sorry you are dealing with this.” Avoiding or always changing the subject only makes your friend feel alienated. If you know that they are cool with talking about their infertility journey, then ask them how it’s going from time to time. You aren’t asking how their sex life is going, you’re inquiring as to their emotional state and what steps they may be taking to help the process along. How are they dealing? Do they want to talk about it? If you know they had an appointment with a doctor, ask how it went. Trying a new herbal tea or acupuncture? Ask how it’s going.

3. Don’t diss on whatever treatment your friend is doing or thinking about trying. Whether it’s acupuncture, IUI, herbal supplements, IVF, injectable hormones, chiropractic, diet changes, or whatever… deciding to get help with infertility is a very personal decision for a couple and it’s never a decision come to quickly and easily. Please respect that.

4. Don’t say hurtful things. There are SO many comments that are made when people are trying to help, but these comments can cut so deep. Here are just a few of the very common phrases that are said to people dealing with infertility. Please don’t say any of these:

• Stop trying and it’ll happen. If you paid attention in sex education, then you would know that this isn’t physically possible for a uterus-owner who knows their cycle and knows when they’re ovulating… unless… immaculate conception?

• You just need to relax. Aw, why didn’t I think of that?!

• You don’t look infertile! What exactly does an infertile person look like?

• Just adopt! Adoption isn’t for everyone and can be a very long and expensive process.

• Don’t worry, you’re young! What does that mean?! Are you suggesting I’m not meant to have a baby now? Have I been wasting my time trying so far? Plus, if not pregnant equals young, does pregnant equal old? If I get pregnant now, I will be “advanced maternal age” and considered high risk by most OBs. How’s that for hypocrisy?!

• Maybe God doesn’t think you’ll make a good parent. Ouch. Since when do people have to be good parents to have children? I look on YouTube and see plenty of examples that contradict that statement. And did God personally tell you this? If not, please don’t speak for them.

5. Educate yourself. If you want to be SUPER supportive, pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility and read up if you aren’t well versed on how amazing fertility cycles are. You can also visit FertilityFriend and read some articles on the subject. This way you know what the heck your friend is talking about when they mention progesterone, luteal phase, and strange acronyms like OPK, EWCM and FMU.

6. Respect that miscarriages are losses. Don’t make excuses and tell your friend “It wasn’t meant to be.” As soon as someone trying to conceive sees a positive pregnancy test, the joy and excitement begins immediately. Miscarriage is a death; the death of a tiny ball of cells and the death of the future they had imagined for their baby, even if it was only for a few short weeks. Their body is flooded with hormones and there is a physical process that comes with a miscarriage that painfully reminds them just how NOT pregnant they are.

Tell them that you are sorry and that you are there for them. Let them talk, let them cry. Ask if there is anything you can do to help… even if it’s just to walk a dog, do a load of laundry, or bring over a box of chocolates.

7. Respect that Secondary Infertility is just as hard, if not harder for many. When someone has a baby (or two, or more) and then suffers from infertility when trying to conceive another, some argue that it can be even more frustrating than the first time around. Our bodies physically ache, yearning to feel the kicks and the hiccups once more. The sound of a newborn’s cry can make our breasts tingle to be full of milk. Our bodies already know how to conceive, grow and birth a child… you’d think we’d be able to do it again. Sometimes we’re not.

Never, ever suggest that they’re being ungrateful for the child they already have. That is likely an emotion they’re struggling with already. Just be the loving and listening friend that you are and offer to babysit from time to time if they needs to visit an RE, fertility doctor, or acupuncturist. Kids are very rarely welcome in the waiting room of an RE’s office… for good reason.

8. Be sensitive to their feelings when friends, family members, or even you become pregnant. But don’t try to hide a new pregnancy from your friend. It’s different for everyone and for every pregnancy. When many friends of mine got pregnant, I was thrilled for them and cried tears of joy when their new babies were born. But for some reason, other friends’ pregnancies were harder for me and I had to hide their baby bump photos from my social media feeds. I don’t know how to describe why some were okay and some weren’t. They just were.

If you get pregnant and are faced with telling your infertile friend, tell them separately from the rest of your friends and family. And tell them that you understand that it might mean they can’t be around you for a little while. Tell them that you love them and are there for them. Let your friend decide how much baby and pregnancy-related stuff they can handle being around.

9. Keep inviting your friend to social gatherings; baby showers and birthdays too. Even if they say no every time, keep inviting them. Eventually they’ll be in the right head space to be there. Don’t make them feel isolated.

10. Light a candle, say a prayer, and send good thoughts out into the universe for your friend. Nuff said.